(SPEAKING YIDDISH)
Dora!
(DORA SPEAKING YIDDISH)
(LAUGHING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CONTINUE SPEAKING YIDDISH)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
(MALE TEACHER SPEAKING HEBREW)
(TEACHER CONTINUES SPEAKING HEBREW)
(WHISPERING) Fagle!
Huh?
(TEACHER CONTINUES SPEAKING HEBREW)
All right. Hold still now.
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY ON SPEAKER)
(SHOUTING IN HEBREW)
(STUDENTS CLAMORING)
Mmm-hmm. Yes.
Well... Oh, sorry.
No, thanks.
Well, you're in good health.
So how's Judith and the kids?
Good. Everyone's good, you know.
Danny must be, what? About to be bar mitzvahed?
Two weeks.
Well, mazel tov!
They grow up fast, don't they?
Hmm...
(EXCLAIMING)
Yeah, you put the...
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
(SIGHING)
That's right, you put the...
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
(SIGHS)
(DOOR OPENING)
(CUP RATTLING)
(COUGHS)
LARRY: You following this?
Okay?
So...
This part is exciting.
So, am I right?
So, okay So...
So, if that's that, then we can do this.
And that's Schrödinger's Paradox, right?
Is the cat dead?
Or is the cat not dead?
Messages, Professor Gopnik.
Thank you, Natalie.
Oh, Clive, come in.
So, what can I do for you?
CLIVE: (HEAVILY ACCENTED) Dr Gopnik, I believe the results
of the physics midterm were unjust.
Uh-huh? How so?
I received unsatisfactory grade.
In fact, F, the failing grade.
Yes. You failed the midterm. That's accurate.
Yes, but that is not just.
I was unaware to be examined on the mathematics.
Well, you can't do physics without mathematics, really, can you?
If I receive the failing grade, I lose my scholarship,
and I feel shame.
I understand the physics. I understand the dead cat.
But you can't really understand the physics
without understanding the math.
The math tells how it really works That's the real thing.
The stories I give you in class are just illustrative.
They're like fables, say, to help give you a picture.
I mean...
Even I don't understand the dead cat.
The math is how it really works.
Very difficult.
Well, I'm sorry, but I...
What do you propose?
- Passing grade. - No, no.
Or perhaps I can take the midterm again.
I know now it cover the mathematics.
Well, the other students wouldn't like that, would they?
If one student gets to retake the test until he gets a grade he likes?
- Secret test - No...
- Hush-hush. - No.
That's just not workable.
I'm afraid we'll just have to bite the bullet on this thing, Clive...
Very troubling.
ON PHONE: Sy Ableman.
Hello, Sy Larry Gopnik.
Larry. How are you, my friend?
Good How you been, Sy?
Fine Can we talk, Larry?
What? You... Uh...
Hello? Larry?
Call back!
Clive!
(PHONE RINGING)
That was Sy Ableman.
He said he got disconnected.
ARTHUR: Out in a minute.
I gotta wash my hair. I'm going out tonight.
ARTHUR: I'll be out in a minute.
Jesus Christ!
Why is Uncle Arthur always in the bathroom?
He has to drain his sebaceous cyst. You know that.
Will you set the table?
Why can't he do it in the basement or out in the garage?
I had 20 bucks in it, too. Inside the case.
Twenty bucks? How come?
Bought a lid from Mike Fagle a couple of weeks ago.
Still owed him 20.
He already gave you the pot?
Yeah. But a couple of weeks ago, my funding got cut off.
Fagle said he'd pound the crap out of me if I didn't pay up.
What funding got cut off? Where do you get your money?
What happened?
Rabbi Turchik took his radio Had money in it.
That fucker!
Yeah. I think he said he was confiscating it.
He's a fucker. Where do you get your money?
Mike Fagle's gonna kick his ass.
Last week he pounded the crap out of Seth Seddlemeyer.
He's a fucker!
- Fagle or Seth Seddlemeyer? - They're both fuckers!
ARTHUR: Out in a minute!
Are you still in there?
ARTHUR: Yeah, I'll be out in a minute!
Arthur!
- ARTHUR: Yeah? - Dinner!
ARTHUR: Okay, out in a minute!
We should wait.
Are you kidding?
Mr. Brandt keeps mowing part of our lawn.
Does that matter?
What?
JUDITH: Is it important?
It's just odd.
Mom, how long is Uncle Arthur staying with us?
JUDITH: Ask your father.
Honey.
Did you talk to Sy?
Sy?
Sy Ableman That's right, he called But I...
- You didn't talk to him? - No.
You know the problems that you and I have been having?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, Sy and I have become very close.
In short, I think it's time that we start talking about a divorce.
Sy Ableman?
This is not about Sy.
You mentioned Sy!
Don't twist my words, Larry.
A divorce? What have I done? I haven't done anything.
Larry, don't be a child.
You haven't done anything. I haven't done anything.
Yes! Yes, we haven't done anything.
And I'm probably about to get tenure.
Nevertheless, there have been problems, as you know...
- Well... - ...and things have changed.
And then, Sy Ableman.
Sy has come into my life, and I...
Come into your... What does that mean? You barely know him.
Oh, please We've known the Ablemans for 15 years, Larry!
Yes, but you said we hadn't done anything.
I haven't done anything.
This is not some flashy fling, Larry.
This is not about woopsy-doopsy.
Sy Ableman?
- ARTHUR: I'll be out in a minute! - SARAH: Oh, Jesus Christ!
Look, I didn't know any other way of breaking it to you
except to just tell you and treat you like an adult.
Is that so wrong?
Where do I sleep?
- What? - Arthur's on the couch.
Look, Sy feels that we should...
Esther is barely cold!
Esther died three years ago,
and it was a loveless marriage.
Sy wants a get.
- A what? - A ritual divorce.
He says it's very important.
Without a gett, I'm an aguna.
A what?
What are you talking about?
You always act so surprised.
I have begged you to see the Rabbi.
(DOOR OPENING)
(PANTING)
Messages, Professor Gopnik.
Yes, thanks for coming, Clive. Have a seat.
We had, I think, a good talk the other day,
...but you left something... - I didn't leave it.
Well, you don't even know what I was going to say.
I didn't leave anything.
I'm not missing anything.
I know where everything is.
Well then, Clive...
Where did this come from?
This is here, isn't it?
Yes, sir. That is there.
This is not nothing.
This is something.
Yes. That is something.
- What is it? - You know what it is, I believe.
- And you know I can't keep it, Clive. - Yes, sir.
I'll have to pass it on to Professor Finkle,
along with my suspicions about where it came from.
Actions have consequences.
Yes. Often.
No, always! Actions always have consequences!
In this office, actions have consequences.
- Yes, sir. - Not just physics,
...morally. - Yes.
And we both know about your actions.
No, sir. I know about my actions.
I can interpret, Clive I know what you meant me to understand.
Meer sir my sir.
"Meer sir my sir"?
Mere surmise, sir.
Very uncertain.
(MAN CHANTING IN HEBREW)
(RECORD STOPS)
(REPEATING IN HEBREW)
(CHANTING RESUMES)
(RECORD STOPS)
(REPEATING IN HEBREW)
You little brat fucker!
You snuck 20 bucks out of my drawer!
Studying Torah, asshole.
You little brat! I'm telling Dad!
You gonna tell him you've been sneaking it out of his wallet?
You know what I'm gonna do, you little brat, if you don't give it back?
Dad?
DANNY: Dad, you've gotta fix the aerial.
Hello, Larry. Have you thought about a lawyer?
- DANNY: Dad! - Honey, please!
We're not getting channel four at all.
Can we discuss it later?
I can't get F Troop.
Larry, the children know.
Do you think this is some secret?
Do you think this is something we're going to keep quiet?
Dad, Uncle Arthur is in the bathroom again,
and I'm going to the Hole at 8:00.
- ARTHUR: Out in a minute! - Ow! Stop!
- She keeps doing that! - What's going on?
(MAN SINGING IN YIDDISH ON RADIO)
Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yes?
What are you doing?
Working on the Mentaculus.
Any luck, um,
looking for an apartment?
No.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Sy. - Good to see you, Larry.
I'll get Judith.
No, listen, actually, I'm here to see you, if I might.
Such a thing Such a thing.
Shall we go in the kitchen?
You know, Larry, the way we handle ourselves in this situation,
so important.
- Uh-huh? - Absolutely.
Judith told me that she broke the news to you,
and she said that you were very adult.
- Did she? - Absolutely.
The respect she has for you...
- Yes? - Do you drink wine?
Because this is an incredible bottle.
This is not Mogen David, Larry.
(CHUCKLING) This is a wine A Bordeaux.
- You know, Sy... - Open it.
Let it breathe. Ten minutes.
Letting it breathe, so important.
Thanks, Sy, but I'm not...
Listen, I insist, Larry. There's no cause for discomfort.
I'd be uncomfortable if you didn't take it.
Larry, listen. These are signs.
Tokens, Larry.
I'm just... I'm not ungrateful.
I just don't know a lot about wine,
...and given our... - It's okay.
...respective... - It's okay.
Larry, we're going to be fine.
(BUS DEPARTING)
Want some of this, fucker?
(DRAWER OPENS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Fuck.
(FAGLE PANTING)
(CHATTER ON RADIO)
(MAN SINGING IN YIDDISH)
Would you read this? Tell me what you think?
Okay.
Boy! You should have worn a hat.
(SNORING)
MR. BRANDT: Let's see some hustle, Mitch.
ARLEN: Larry?
Hi, Arlen.
Larry, I feel that as head of the tenure committee, I should tell you this.
Though it should be no cause for concern, and you should not at all be worried.
Okay.
But I feel I should mention it,
even though it will carry no weight in our decision
on whether or not to grant you tenure.
So again, no cause for concern.
Okay, Arlen Give what any weight?
Well...
We've received a number of letters
denigrating you and urging us not to...
Not to grant you tenure.
From who?
Well, they're anonymous, so we dismiss them completely.
Well, what do they say?
Well, they make allegations...
Well, allegations... Assertions.
And though we give them no credence at all, Larry.
Well, I'm not really at liberty
to discuss the specifics of the committee's deliberations.
But I think you're saying these won't play any part in your deliberations?
None whatsoever.
So what are they?
Moral turpitude, you could say.
Uh-huh. Can I ask? Are they...
- Are they idiomatic? - Hmm?
The reason I ask, I have a Korean student. South Korean.
A disgruntled South Korean, and I meant to talk to you about this...
Oh, no, no They're competently, even eloquently written.
A native English speaker. There's no question about that.
- Uh-huh. - Let me reiterate.
No cause for concern.
I only speak because I would feel odd concealing it.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Best to Judith.
I gotta get my radio back.
Maybe the fucker lodged it up his fucking asshole.
I gotta get it back, or Mike Fagle's gonna pound the crap out of me.
- (GROANS) - Way up his asshole.
Good afternoon.
Go scrub up, Mitch.
Been hunting?
Is that a...
It's gonna be a boat shed.
Uh-huh.
That's great.
- Mr. Brandt... - I said scrub up, Mitch!
Isn't this a school day?
I took him out of school today so he could hunt with his dad.
(CLEARING THROAT) Uh, Mr Brandt,
that's just about at the property line there.
I don't think we're supposed to get
...within, what, 10 feet... - Property line's the poplar.
- The... - Poplar.
- Well, even if it is, you're just about over it. - Measure.
- I don't have to measure, you can tell it's... - Line's the poplar.
What's going on?
Nothing.
- JUDITH: Larry? - Yeah?
Did you go to Sieglestein Schlutz?
LARRY: No, I... Not yet.
Larry.
Appointment Monday.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the Hole.
What? At 5:00?
We're stopping at Laurie Kipperstein's house so I can wash my hair.
Hi, Mr Gopnik.
- You can't wash it here? - Uncle Arthur's in the bathroom.
ARTHUR: I'll be out in a minute!
- JUDITH: Are you ready? - Huh?
- We're meeting Sy at Embers. - I am?
Both of us. I told you, Larry.
Larry.
How are you?
Sy.
Hello, Judith.
Hello, Sy.
Larry, I want to thank you for coming.
It's so important that we be able to discuss these things.
I'm happy to come to Embers, Sy.
But I'm thinking, really, maybe it's best to leave
these discussions to the lawyers.
Of course Legal matters, you let the lawyers discuss.
You don't mix apples and oranges.
I have begged you to see the lawyer.
I told you, I'm going Monday.
Monday is timely. This is not...
Please, Embers is not the forum for legalities You're so right.
(SCOFFS)
No, Judith and I wanted merely to discuss, uh,
practicalities. Living arrangements.
After all, this is an issue where no one is at odds.
Living arrangements?
I think we all agree that the children
not being contaminated with the tension,
the most important.
We shouldn't put the kids in the middle of this, Larry.
The kids aren't...
I'm saying "we." I'm not pointing fingers.
No one is playing the blame game, Larry.
I didn't say anyone was.
Well, let's not play "He Said, She Said," either.
- I wasn't! I... - All right. Look, look, look.
Let's just take a step back and we can diffuse the situation.
You know, Larry, sometimes I find that
if I count to 10...
One,
two,
three,
four...
Or silently.
Really, to keep things on an even keel
leading up to Danny's bar mitzvah...
A child's bar mitzvah, Larry.
Sy and I think it's best if you move out of the house.
Move out?
- Well, it makes eminent sense. - Things can't continue as they...
Move out? Where would I go?
Well, for instance, the Jolly Roger is quite livable.
It's not expensive.
The rooms are eminently habitable.
This would allow you to visit the kids.
There's convenience in its favor They've got a pool.
Wouldn't it make more sense for you to move in with Sy?
Larry.
Larry, you... You are jesting.
I think, really, the Jolly Roger
is the appropriate course of action.
(MAN CHANTING IN HEBREW)
- (DOOR OPENING) - SARAH: Listen here,
you little fucker, I want my money!
DANNY: Stop it! I'm gonna get it!
- (SLAPPING) - SARAH: Give it back!
You owe me 20 bucks, you little shit!
- Don't worry about it! - Give it, brat fucker!
- I'm gonna get it! I'm gonna get it! - Brat! Fucker!
- What's going on? - SARAH: Nothing.
- What was that? - Nothing.
(RECORD STOPS)
How's the Torah portion coming?
Can you maybe use the hi-fi?
- What? - Can I borrow this?
I'm taking some stuff to, you know, the Jolly Roger.
- SARAH: Dad! - Sure, Dad.
SARAH: Dad! Chinese guy!
Culture clash.
With all respect, Mr. Park, I don't think it's that.
- Yes. - No,
it would be a culture clash if it were the custom in your land
to bribe people for grades.
Yes.
So, you're saying it is the custom?
No, this is defamation. Ground for lawsuit.
Let me get this straight.
You're threatening to sue me for defaming your son?
Yes.
- But it would... - Is this man bothering you?
Is he bothering me? No.
I, uh...
See, look...
If it were defamation, there would have to be
someone I was defaming him to, or I...
All right, let's keep it simple.
I could pretend the money never appeared That's not defaming anyone.
Yes. And passing grade.
- Passing grade? - Yes.
Or you'll sue me?
For taking money.
So he did leave the money?
This is defamation!
It doesn't make sense. Either he left the money or he didn't.
Please. Accept the mystery.
RONNIE: Give me that, fucker.
LARRY: He's very good with numbers.
I think his social skills have held him back.
Such a sweet man, though.
Arthur has a good heart.
And he never complains, unlike me.
Sometimes I don't give him enough credit.
He tried to tell me about this thing he's working on, this...
The Mentaculus.
He says it's a probability map of the universe.
Does he go out socially at all?
He tries. He's been going to the singles mixers at Hillel House.
I should talk. I'm not doing any better.
How is Judith?
Fine. She's fine.
Sometimes these things just aren't meant to be.
And it can take a while before you feel what was always there.
- For better or worse. - I never felt it!
It was a bolt from the blue.
What does that mean?
Everything that I thought was one way turns out to be another.
Then, it's an opportunity to learn how things really are.
I don't mean to sound glib.
It's not always easy deciphering what God is trying to tell you,
but it's not something you have to figure out all by yourself.
We're Jews.
We've got that well of tradition to draw on, to help us understand.
When we're puzzled, we have all the stories
that have been handed down from people who had the same problems.
Have you talked to Rabbi Nachtner?
Why not see him?
What's the Rabbi gonna tell me?
If I knew, I'd be the Rabbi.
(EXCLAIMS) The air out here is magnificent.
I'm telling you, if someone could bottle this air,
they'd make a million dollars.
Hello, Larry. Good to see you.
Oh. Rabbi Scott.
I thought I was going to see Rabbi Nachtner.
He was called away on an etz monim.
Ruth Brynn's mother is in the hospital and she isn't doing well.
Rabbi Nachtner asked me to cover for him. Come on in.
And she wants a gett.
A what?
- She wants a... - Oh, a gett.
Uh-huh. Sure.
I feel like the carpet's been yanked out from under me.
(STAMMERING) I don't know which end is up.
I'm not even sure how to react.
I'm too confused.
What reasons did she give for the rupture?
She didn't give reasons Just that,
you know, things haven't been going well.
And is that true?
I guess. I don't know.
She's usually right about these things.
I was hoping that Rabbi Nachtner could...
That he would... He would... Yes?
Well, with the benefit of his life experience.
No offense.
(CHUCKLING) No, of course not I am the junior rabbi.
And it's true, the point of view of somebody who's older
and perhaps had similar problems might be more valid.
And you should see the senior rabbi as well, by all means.
Or even Marshak,
if you can get in.
He's quite busy, but maybe...
Can I share something with you?
Because I, too, have had the feeling of losing track
of Hashem, which is the problem here.
I, too, have forgotten how to see him in the world,
and when that happens, you think,
"Well, if I can't see him, he isn't there. He's gone."
But that's not the case.
You just need to remember how to see him.
(CHUCKLING) Am I right? I mean...
The parking lot here.
Not much to see.
But if you imagine yourself a visitor,
somebody who isn't familiar with these autos and such,
somebody still with the capacity for wonder.
Someone with a fresh perspective.
That's what it is, Larry.
Because with the right perspective,
you can see Hashem, you know, reaching into the world.
He is in the world, not just in shul.
It sounds to me like you're looking at the world, looking at your wife,
through tired eyes.
It sounds like she's become a sort of thing...
A problem.
A thing.
She is seeing Sy Ableman.
- Oh. - They're planning...
That's why they want the gett.
Oh I'm sorry.
It was his idea.
Well, they do need a gett to remarry in the faith.
But... This is life.
You have to see these things as expressions of God's will.
You don't have to like it, of course.
The boss isn't always right, but he's always the boss.
(LAUGHING) That's right!
Things aren't so bad.
Look at the parking lot, Larry.
Just look at that parking lot.
(PANTING)
Are we eating already?
Sarah's going out.
Ow! Cut it out!
What's going on?
Isn't Dad eating?
JUDITH: He's at the Jolly Roger.
Oh, yeah.
(ALL SLURPING)
How are you, Larry?
Jesus, I am so sorry
- to be seeing you under these circumstances. - Oh, well...
I always thought you and Judy were rock solid.
This is so terrible, Larry. This is devastating.
Well, you know, the way I look at it,
it's an opportunity for me to really sit down and figure things out
and look at the world afresh instead of just, you know,
settling for the routine, tired old way of looking at things.
Really?
I don't know, maybe not.
Well, legally, I have to warn you,
it's never easy for the husband.
Unless, of course, there's some question
of the wife having violated the marriage contract?
Oh, no, no Nothing like that.
Although she is planning to marry Sy Ableman, but they...
Sy Ableman!
- Yes. But they... - Esther is barely cold!
She passed three years ago.
Well... Still, this changes the complexion, Larry.
Sy Ableman.
Not in the sense that... T here hasn't been hanky-panky.
To my knowledge.
- Oh? - No I'm fairly certain this is not an issue.
And in fact, Judith wants a gett.
A what?
A ritual divorce.
- Oh. - So that they can remarry in the faith.
Uh-huh. Yeah, sure, uh...
Well, not really a legal issue.
Okay, um...
Good. Good.
(SIGHING) Well...
On the other thing, the neighbor's property line,
I've asked Solomon Schlutz to take a look.
There's very little to do with real estate that'll get by Sol.
Okay Good How do you...
I guess I'm a little worried.
How do you... I have money pressures...
Our fee structure? We bill by the hour.
Dave Sieglestein and Solomon Schlutz bill at 110.
The associates, me, for instance, bill at...
Call for Mr Gopnik Danny at home.
You can take it here.
SECRETARY:
Danny?
- DANNY: Hey, Dad. - Are you all right?
Are you all...
F Troop is fuzzy.
What?
F Troop is still fuzzy.
- Dad? - Is everything okay?
(ALARM RINGING)
(MAN SINGING IN YIDDISH)
LARRY: Clive?
Clive!
You little bastard! You gonna send your mother next?
Little bastard! I want to see you!
(CRASHING)
Hold on.
Professor Gopnik, it's Dick Dutton again.
Dick Dutton.
Hello?
Hello, Mr Gopnik?
This is Dick Dutton from the Columbia Record Club.
I'm calling because it's now four months,
and we have yet to receive your first payment.
(STAMMERING) There's some mistake.
I'm not a member of the Columbian Record Club.
Sir, you are Lawrence Gopnik of 8419 Fern Hill Road?
No, I live at the Jolly Roger.
Excuse me?
No, I...
Well, yes, okay.
- Yes, you are Lawrence Gopnik? - Okay.
"Okay" means...
Okay, yes, Lawrence Gopnik, yes.
Okay, well, you received your 12 introductory albums,
and you've been receiving the monthly main selection for four months now...
The monthly main selection? Is that a record?
I didn't ask for any records.
To receive the monthly main selection, you do nothing. You...